Whether couples use attorneys for Agreement review or not, I ask them to please come back for a one hour review session with me, so I can review with them the document they are signing. It’s important to not only understand the legalese in your Settlement/Separation Agreement but to review the terms and the impact they will have.

A Settlement Agreement stops the economic marital clock from ticking. You no longer have an interest in your spouse’s assets or debts including retirement plans other than what has been agreed to. No longer will you inherit from your spouse. No longer would a joint asset, such as real estate pass to a surviving spouse by operation of law. I will explain to you options you have to hold real estate and other assets post divorce. That’s just a small example of what is discussed with you in the review session. I will also notarize your documents, make sure you initial and sign the Agreement in the appropriate places. Also, this is your last chance to make any change to the Agreement. Remember, the Settlement/Separation Agreement is a legally binding agreement, describing the terms under which you will live by as you move forward.

Sometimes couples go to attorneys to have them review the Settlement/Separation Agreement and don’t return for a review and signing session because they feel they really don’t need the “extra” session. They feel It is redundant since the attorneys have already reviewed it, right?. They will then go ahead and sign the Agreement on their own.

Let me tell you what can go wrong. A couple I worked with had gone to attorneys for review, they signed the agreement, had it notarized and went their separate ways. A week later, I received a call from the wife saying the husband hadn’t paid her the $100,000 buyout as the Agreement dictated because he said he needed a few more days to get the money. At this point it had been a week and he was still saying he needed more time.

When I conduct the signing session with the couple, I make sure the documents are signed and checks are exchanged. By not having a review session, they might have saved themselves my hourly fee, but the wife never received the $100,000 buy out. With the agreement already signed, she would have to spend money on lawyers to figure out how to get the husband to give the wife the $100,000 the agreement said she was supposed to get when she signed. This could all have been avoided by having a review session with me.

The takeaway here is don’t skimp on a few hundred dollars. The review session is money well spent. I make sure everything in your Divorce Agreement gets done and done right when you sign the Agreement. It’s what my clients jokingly call “One Stop Shopping.”
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

People often ask me, mostly out of curiosity, what is the number one reason that couples get separated or divorced. They are all sure what the answer is:

“It’s money, right? The declining real estate prices, right? The increase and expense of buying everything, right? Rising gas prices at the pump, right?. You know that must put a tremendous financial burden on people. So it has to be money, right?” WRONG!

“OK, then it must be infidelity. They are having affairs and their marriage can’t work because they are already in another relationship. That’s got to be the number one reason. They are cheating.” WRONG!

One day, I was having work done in my kitchen. We were building a fireplace and I hired a mason from Portugal, a nice guy, good worker with a very heavy accent. He had been married for 30 years, so I said, “Luis, let me ask you a question. You have been married for a really long time. What is the secret to a long marriage?” And he said, “No secret. I no talk her. She no talk me.” I paused for a minute and said “What do you mean? You don’t communicate with each other?” He said, “No. We no speak each other many years.”

Yahtzee!

The number one reason people get divorced is no communication.

They don’t talk to each other. Their marriage/relationship has deteriorated over time. They no longer share the experiences in their lives with each other. They don’t talk about their feelings with each other. They don’t express their worries or concerns to each other. The only conversations they have are what I call the “pants on fire” issues; they don’t talk to each other until they see “flames shooting out.” This lack of communication is really the number one reason.

The husband and wife have stopped being intimate with each other. They get up in the morning, go to work, and barely speak to each other. Usually one works very long hours, ostensibly to earn more money, but it is also to avoid being with the other spouse. When they come home from work, they grab their dinner, sit in front of the TV, pass out on the couch, and go to bed, often in separate bedrooms. This is what their marriage has been reduced to.

Everyone has the right to be happy and in a relationship where they can share things with their partner. They can communicate, discuss concerns, bounce ideas off one another and get feedback, so that they don’t feel like they are living alone.

Having a good relationship means you have to work on communication and THAT is the secret to a long and successful marriage. And one that is not just long in duration but one in which you communicate with each other and share everything that a married couple should share. All the good, bad and “What was I thinking when I did that?”

GOOD COMMUNICATION.

That’s what makes a successful marriage.

Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

When we speak and discuss their divorce, I always ask the same question knowing I almost always get the same answer. The question is:

“I’m not a lawyer. Why would you come to me, a non-lawyer, to mediate your divorce? I would just assume that you would go to divorce lawyers.”

And they answer:

“We don’t want to go to divorce lawyers because if we do, it is going to cost too much. We are going to be very unhappy and the lawyers are going to end up with all the money. As attorneys we know the litigation process and we don’t want that. We are coming to you because we understand that with mediation, we can cooperate and try to figure this out together. If we do, we are going to have a much better outcome and it is going to cost far less. That is why we are choosing mediation.”

When we meet, I am surprised by how lawyers with specialities in other areas of the law, know little about the divorce laws in New York State. In that respect they are very much like any other clients. When I explain to them what their property rights are, what equitable distribution means, the factors that courts use to make determinations on how to divide the assets of the marriage, and how to go about constructing a parenting plan, they quickly grasp the concepts.

Most attorneys are very easy to work with as clients because they have a very analytical way of thinking, and understand that there are limited options. In the past 10 years of working with lawyers, almost every mediation was successful. As a matter of fact, lawyers have been one of my biggest sources of referrals because they were so satisfied with the outcome in mediation, they have recommended friends, other attorneys, and their clients to use mediation when contemplating a separation or divorce.

When you have leaky pipes, call a plumber. When you break the law, call a lawyer. When you are getting divorced, call a mediator – - THAT’S WHAT LAWYERS DO!
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 

 
Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY
 
 

• What the marital interest is in the business?
• What marital interest is in pension plans?
• What about health insurance – - can one spouse cover the other with health insurance?
• How do you distribute assets of the marriage?
• Is there any spousal maintenance to be paid – - How does that get addressed?
• What about the issues regarding the children? My spouse doesn’t want to pay child support. Is that OK?
• My spouse says we can each keep our own assets and everything that we have, and I guess that’s OK with me, but I really don’t know.

This reminds me of a time when I pulled into a fast food parking lot driving a car that had some dents in the front. A guy came up to me with a bucket full of tools, hammers, sandpaper, etc. and he said “You want me to fix the body work on your car? 50 Bucks.” I said, “$50, that’s pretty cheap. What are you going to do for $50?” He said, “I’m going to bang out all the dents for you.” I said, “That’s really not fixing it.” He said, “All you would have to do is prep it and paint it but I don’t do that. Hey, what do you expect? That’s all you get for 50 bucks.” I thought for a second and then answered “Thank you very much but I think I’m going to have to decline your very tempting offer of body work.” I knew if I accepted, the job would still require more work to get it done right.
 
I worked with a carpenter once and his favorite slogan in the world was “Measure twice; cut once.” Like the carpenter, thought has to go into something as important as getting a divorce. Like the “body work specialist”, the $299 Internet special will not finish the job. You will still have to “prep and paint” to get the job done right.
 
The online divorce for $299? Well, if you are the kind of person who likes to do their own surgery or fill their own cavities, maybe it’s a good idea, but for the rest of us, we would like to go to a professional to be sure it gets done correctly. Going with Mediation you can get your divorce done the right way at a fraction of the cost of a litigated divorce.
 
When contemplating divorce I offer a free consultation describing the mediation process. We will discuss all the issues that need to be addressed to give you a better understanding of how long it takes, and how much it costs. I encourage you to ask questions so I will try to provide to you useful answers and information so you can make an informed decision.
 
Mediation will not only “bang out your dents”, but will also do the “prepping and painting.” Mediation will get the job done right.
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

“I’ve worked for 20 years and I have a pension (or a business) and my wife didn’t earn the pension or work in the business. I got up and went to work every day; she only stayed home and took care of the kids and she shouldn’t get any part of my pension. She didn’t earn it.”

Hello??? Welcome to Matrimonial Reality 101. Everything earned, acquired or appreciated during the marriage is marital property. And for the record, when women have to pay men alimony, which is growing to be more common than not, they feel the same way.

As I meet with couples where the wife is the primary wage earner or breadwinner and the husband is the stay at home spouse, the wife has to pay the husband maintenance. Spousal maintenance is gender neutral so whether you are a man or a woman, if the factors are there, you will have to pay.

I remember meeting with one couple, where the wife was an executive with a large Wall Street firm and making a significant income. The husband had a lower paying job that he had lost. The couple decided that it was less expensive to have the dad stay at home and take care of the children, than to hire a full-time babysitter. As a consequence of that decision, now that divorce was imminent, Dad was entitled to spousal maintenance. During that discussion, I explained that sometimes, you can use the money for re-education or retraining. Other times, it is just a lump sum or payment over a period of time in monthly amounts (durational maintenance).

Women are no more happy about paying spousal support than men are. It’s always a difficult conversation, but it is a disservice to the couple to ignore it.

Currently, spousal maintenance decisions in court are all over the map. Judges decide different amounts based on the 19 factors, some of which we listed in the previous blog. Going to court can be a real “crap shoot” no matter who, ends up paying spousal maintenance. In mediation, we come to that decision in a reasonable way that addresses the need for spousal maintenance and the amount, but doesn’t negatively impact either spouse.
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com
 

When thinking about alimony, I am reminded of an old joke, a quote from Groucho Marks when he had to pay alimony to one of his wives. He said:

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

That is classic Groucho, and it may give you a chuckle but the chuckle will end when you find out how many factors the court looks at in determining whether or not an award of alimony, or as it is now referred to, spousal support, is appropriate. The number is 19; 19 factors that a court uses to determine whether spousal support is warranted. Even though we are in mediation rather than going to court, mediation operates in the shadow of the law, so we look at factors a court would consider as a basis for decision making about alimony/spousal support.

The purpose of spousal support is to get the non-working spouse back in the work force so they can be self-supporting but what does that mean? How long and how much will it take? How much economic assistance will the non-monied spouse need to obtain re-education and update their skill level after being absent from the work force for a long time. That’s very simplistic and not really the whole story.

Some of the 19 factors the court looks at are:

• The length of the marriage.
• The substantial differences in incomes or the disparity of incomes.
• The standard of living the parties had during the marriage.
• The age and health of the parties.
• Present and future earning capacity.

In looking at these 5, the one that really stands out is “the standard of living established during the marriage”. A judge would look at what your lifestyle was before divorce, and would expect you to maintain your spouse and/or children in that same lifestyle. When I explain that to couples, usually the one that has to pay can be identified by falling off their chair or the very sick look on their face thinking, “I’m going to be living in a refrigerator box under the elevated train and that is really not what I had envisioned for myself after working for 20 years.”

I am often asked about the “3 to 1 rule” which is awarding alimony based on a calculation of 1 year of alimony for every three years of marriage. While there may be a judge out there somewhere who uses it, there really is no such rule. Does that mean the calculation is completely absurd? No, so what I’d like to do is provide a “ballpark estimate” of the length of spousal support. This, of course, is just my opinion based on the number of couples I see and my daily conversations with divorce lawyers about their cases.

• In a ten year marriage you might pay 3-5 years of alimony.
• In a 15 year marriage, 5-8 years of alimony.
• In a 20 year marriage, 8-10 years of alimony.
• In a 20+ year marriage, depending on the age of the spouse receiving maintenance, they might get the spousal support/maintenance until they collect Social security at their retirement age of 66-67. That is when Social Security will take over and they will begin to receive their full monthly benefit.

These numbers can vary a lot, in particular one variable factor that can effect spousal support is equitable distribution. A marriage with a lot of assets such as the house, stocks, brokerage accounts, cash, and retirement funds, will provide each spouse with a substantial distribution of assets of the marriage and may reduce the amount of spousal maintenance. At the very least, this distribution of assets would be considered by a judge.

I know this makes a lot of people unhappy, but this is reality. How we arrive at a settlement on spousal maintenance as well as the distribution of other assets is part of what the mediation process will accomplish. These are not easy conversations to have, but it is a disservice to you and your spouse not to have the conversation because if we don’t do it in mediation, you are going to end up with attorneys arguing about spousal maintenance. I’d rather have the conversation with you and frankly explain the reality of what happens regarding spousal support in a divorce which will ultimately be better for you and your spouse. You both can walk away knowing that you will have enough money to support the kids and take care of yourselves.
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com
 

 “If we go to you, do we have to go to a lawyer?”

Or

“Can we just come see you and not use lawyers at all?”

The definitive answer is – Yes, most of the time you will not need a lawyer. But it’s your choice.

The service I provide is “full service” Mediation. I work daily with professionals such as title companies, accountants, Realtors, therapists, so if you need it, their services are available to you. With my help, you mediate the terms of your divorce agreement, and then attorneys I work with will draft the Divorce Agreement. I will email the agreement to you and conduct a review session where we go over the Divorce Agreement and you sign the documents. I will notarize them and you are then legally separated. This whole process beginning to end is about six weeks. If you choose to proceed to divorce, I will refer you to someone who will file the divorce action for you at a discounted rate.

There is no statutory requirement that before signing a Divorce or Settlement agreement you must have an attorney review it. In some cases, there is really nothing to review; you have very few assets, very little debt, no children, and no businesses so there really wouldn’t be much for an attorney to look over.

In other cases, things are a little more complicated because there are more assets to be taken into consideration or there are businesses and multiple properties that require business valuations. For these I would suggest attorney review and will provide you with a list of “mediation friendly” attorneys I have worked with. Not expensive. Well worth it. But again, it’s your choice.

And then there are cases we call “high asset couples.” Complicated portfolios, sometimes international holdings valued in other currencies. Often one spouse has been handling all the finances individually and the other spouse really doesn’t know much about them. For these I have created kind of a hybrid process whereby I might suggest that we bring in lawyers and CPAs at the beginning of the mediation process to make sure everybody is clear on what is being agreed to. As the mediator, I can control the flow of the conversation and make sure that the attorneys aren’t posturing and that the negotiations do not take longer than they need to. In these situations, the attorneys’ roles are not to negotiate for their clients, but to be advisors. Sometimes, I will meet with a couple beforehand and work out the framework of the negotiations before bringing everybody else in. This process is only appropriate for high asset couples.

For a majority of the couples I see, they are clear that they do not want lawyers negotiating for them. I’ve had couples that went to attorneys before they came to mediation just to get an idea of where their settlement should be. And I’ve had couples go to attorneys after the Settlement Agreement is written and the terms have been negotiated so that they are satisfied that what they negotiated is a reasonable deal.

Mediators are not anti-lawyer, but we prefer the husband and wife talk to each other and do their own negotiating not the attorneys doing it for them. This direct communication between the husband and wife fosters cooperation and sets the pattern for how they will communicate with each other going forward. My experience has shown that parenting issues are addressed in a more cooperative way if the couple feels they have gotten a fair economic settlement, so the whole family benefits.

So, do lawyers have a role in your Mediation? Now you have the information to make your own decision.
 
 
Please feel free to ask a question, comment, or request more information in the Comments Box below. And don’t hesitate to forward this blog to anyone you know who would be interested in reading it.
 
 

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

The answer is yes. You can write an addendum to your agreement that includes the changes and then file it with the same court where you filed your Divorce Agreement. The clerk will put the documents together to show that an addendum to your original agreement has been written reflecting the new terms.

The Children

It’s more common that the changes that are made are not just economic changes but more often address changes in access visitation schedules. When an access visitation schedule is created for the non-custodial parent in a Divorce Agreement, and the children are young, their needs change rapidly as they get older. When you entered into the agreement the children may have been pre-school age, but now are in school all day. At this point the access visitation schedule needs to be adjusted because vacations, holidays, and other events must now work around the child’s school schedule. In addition, they will have activities, summer camp, or maybe regular religious training.

When the parents are on good terms and have been cooperating, they can make the changes on their own. However, when things aren’t going well between them, a mediation session can help. Usually a new schedule is agreed to and any outstanding issues are resolved fairly quickly.

A New Partner

Another change that is often made to the Divorce Agreement happens when you have a new partner and enter into a serious relationship. The statistics tell us that this most often occurs within 5 years after divorce. This new relationship will change your life significantly and as a result sometimes your divorce agreement needs to be modified.

Relocation

The issue of relocation is where one of you wants or needs to move away whether due to another relationship, a remarriage or a new job offer that would require you to move a distance away that would make it difficult for the non-custodial parent to see the children. Although often litigated, changes to the relocation clause can be accomplished in mediation.

So, don’t despair or worry that your divorce agreement is written in stone and cannot be changed. Returning to mediation to modify your agreement is easily done and not expensive.

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

The husband and wife were having a difficult time trying to agree to the maintenance (alimony) amount. Although dividing the assets wasn’t difficult, figuring out an adequate amount for the maintenance part of the agreement was proving to be a sticking point.

Traditionally the purpose of maintenance is to give support over time to the non-monied spouse allowing them to get back in the work force and be self-supporting. This sometimes involves education but more often, it’s just a sum of money, paid out monthly for a period of time based on factors such as disparity of income, the length of the marriage, the health of the parties and their future earning capacity. After the maintenance period has ended, however, it often feels like you’ve have fallen off a cliff because now you don’t have the extra money coming in every month and your skill set isn’t current for today’s job market making it very difficult to get a good paying job.

I asked the wife to not think about the amount of money for a second and tell me what her hopes and aspirations were for herself after the divorce. If she had a choice, what would she like to do?

She said “I want to be a nurse. I always did.” I asked if she had investigated how long it would take and how much it would cost to complete a nursing program. She replied it would take 3 years and cost about $90,000.

I asked her what she thought it would do for her? Her answer was:

“If I get my nursing degree I can get a good paying job and I won’t need alimony any more. My future would completely change because I could not only be self-supporting but also be on a career path that would actually take me somewhere. I could provide for my children and have what I envision is a good life.”

“Well, that sounds like a plan. Now let’s figure out if we can do this.”

They had tentatively agreed to a maintenance amount over a five year period. When we calculated the amount needed for nursing school paid out over 3 years, the amount turned out to be less than the amount of maintenance that they had tentatively agreed to. Additionally, the husband agreed to pay her a stipend while she was going to nursing school. If she wanted to work part time, that was fine, but at least this would provide her with some supplemental income.

Because this education led to a career when she completed nursing school, the husband didn’t feel as if he was just handing her money because she had been married to him. Everybody in the family benefited from this agreement. The kids now had one parent that felt really good about pursuing a dream she always had, and both parents were moving on with their lives in a positive way.

Divorce mediation encourages couples to communicate and cooperate with each other, setting the stage for good things to happen as they and their family move forward. This cooperation sets a precedent for how their parenting arrangement is going to work in the future. And that is a healthy divorce result.

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com

In an atmosphere of fighting and arguing, with or without kids being present, there is always a possibility for domestic violence. Empirical evidence shows that the point of separation is the most critical or dangerous time for spouses with a history of domestic violence to be living together. Even if there is no previous history of domestic violence, the separation/divorce event alone may be enough to trigger a violent response.

Most attorneys will advise divorcing couples to not to leave the marital home during the litigation process. There is a perception that the parent leaving the home may be disadvantaged in winning custody of the children and/or ownership of the home. In the Frielander case, the husband, an attorney and still living in the home, had just lost custody of his children by a court ruling. Which begs to question, could this tragedy have been averted had the couple separated physically during the litigation process.

In addition to custodial and ownership issues, staying in the marital home may keep up the pressure to settle. If one spouse moves out, often the other spouse is no longer as motivated to settle because the home environment is more peaceful.

What I said in the “Home, Sweet Home” blogs is that money is something that you can always earn, but your sanity is what you are jeopardizing by living together in a combative relationship while going through a litigated divorce process. And that process can sometimes take a very long time.

In mediation, the goal is to get through the divorce/separation settlement process quickly by cooperating and problem solving. This often can take as little as six weeks to complete. But for couples that are having a very difficult time and it takes longer than six weeks, we can provide a “Move Out Agreement” whereby one of my attorneys drafts an agreement determining who lives in the marital residence, how the bills will be paid and, if there are children, parenting and support issues. All of these terms are temporary while we are negotiating the settlement.

In light of the new no-fault divorce law in New York, you no longer have to accuse the other spouse of wrongdoing. As couples become more aware that mediation is a viable and more welcome alternative, fewer couples may choose to litigate their divorce. The courts are increasingly recognizing the benefits of mediation for divorcing couples. Many new matrimonial mediation programs are being offered throughout New York State by the various courts including the Supreme Court in Westchester County.

Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY

Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com