One Stop Shopping
Reviewing your Divorce Agreement may seem like an unnecessary exercise once all the decisions have been made and agreed to, but it is actually a very important part of the Settlement/Divorce process. Couples come to mediation because they want to keep the cost down and don’t want to use attorneys to negotiate uncomplicated Divorce Agreements.
Whether couples use attorneys for Agreement review or not, I ask them to please come back for a one hour review session with me, so I can review with them the document they are signing. It’s important to not only understand the legalese in your Settlement/Separation Agreement but to review the terms and the impact they will have. Continue reading
I No Talk Her. She No Talk Me.
People often ask me, mostly out of curiosity, what is the number one reason that couples get separated or divorced. They are all sure what the answer is:
“It’s money, right? The declining real estate prices, right? The increase and expense of buying everything, right? Rising gas prices at the pump, right?. You know that must put a tremendous financial burden on people. So it has to be money, right?” WRONG!
“OK, then it must be infidelity. They are having affairs and their marriage can’t work because they are already in another relationship. That’s got to be the number one reason. They are cheating.” WRONG!
That’s What Lawyers Do!
I am always amazed when I get a call from a prospective client and they turn out to be an attorney. Although generally not a divorce attorney but an attorney practicing some other area of law. And sometimes the husband and wife are both attorneys.
When we speak and discuss their divorce, I always ask the same question knowing I almost always get the same answer. The question is:
“I’m not a lawyer. Why would you come to me, a non-lawyer, to mediate your divorce? I would just assume that you would go to divorce lawyers.”
And they answer: Continue reading
The “Do It Yourself” Divorce
How many times, when contemplating divorce have you seen advertisements online “Uncontested Divorce $299.” Wow, that’s great if you’re among those who think that filling out something as potentially life changing as divorce papers, sounds like a really economic way to “git ‘er dun.” But the rest of us, who like to really understand what we are doing before we take the plunge would like some real answers to questions such as :
- What the marital interest is in the business?
- What marital interest is in pension plans?
- What about health insurance – - can one spouse cover the other with health insurance?
- How do you distribute assets of the marriage?
- Is there any spousal maintenance to be paid – - How does that get addressed?
- What about the issues regarding the children? My spouse doesn’t want to pay child support. Is that OK?
- My spouse says we can each keep our own assets and everything that we have, and I guess that’s OK with me, but I really don’t know.
I Have to Pay Mr. Wonderful How Much??
In divorce cases, maintenance /spousal support is always, as we pointed out in the previous blog How Much do I have to Pay Her?, a very important but difficult issue to discuss. It is uncomfortable as indicated when one of the spouses starts to squirm in their chair, because nobody wants to pay spousal maintenance. When the men have to pay it, what I hear is:
Continue reading
How Much Do I Gotta Pay Her?
When thinking about alimony, I am reminded of an old joke, a quote from Groucho Marks when he had to pay alimony to one of his wives. He said:
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
That is classic Groucho, and it may give you a chuckle but the chuckle will end when you find out how many factors the court looks at in determining whether or not an award of alimony, or as it is now referred to, spousal support, is appropriate. Continue reading
Do Lawyers Have a Role in Mediation?
I am frequently asked the question:
“If we go to you, do we have to go to a lawyer?”
Or
“Can we just come see you and not use lawyers at all?”
The definitive answer is – Yes, most of the time you will not need a lawyer. But it’s your choice.
The service I provide is “full service” Mediation. I work daily with professionals such as title companies, accountants, Realtors, therapists, so if you need it, their services are available to you. With my help, you mediate the terms of your divorce agreement, and then attorneys I work with will draft the Divorce Agreement. Continue reading
Change the Agreement? Yes We Can!
As life is ever changing, sometimes events evolve in a couple’s life post-divorce that affect the terms that were agreed to in the divorce agreement.
Although the agreement was signed, executed, and incorporated into the Judgment of Divorce , circumstances at that time were different than they are today. Maybe the husband and wife delayed the selling of a property until after the divorce, or now have different economic needs or maybe they now both agree that they should change the way the equity in the house is divided or the way they money is distributed in the retirement plans. “Is it possible to make changes to our divorce agreement after we are already divorced?”
The answer is yes. Continue reading
Mediation – A Healthy Divorce
I recently met with a couple having difficulty talking to each other because the wife felt that the husband had not been listening to her when she talked about how she was going to support herself and the children after divorce. He was historically the “breadwinner” and she, a stay-at-home mom with a Liberal Arts degree from an accredited college, but as many people have discovered, going to college and getting a Liberal Arts degree doesn’t really prepare you for today’s job market. So after 10 years of taking care of the home and children, the wife was facing the daunting task of looking for a job.
The husband and wife were having a difficult time trying to agree to the maintenance (alimony) amount. Although dividing the assets wasn’t difficult, figuring out an adequate amount for the maintenance part of the agreement was proving to be a sticking point.
Traditionally the purpose of maintenance is to give support over time to the non-monied spouse allowing them to get back in the work force and be self-supporting. This sometimes involves education but more often, it’s just a sum of money, paid out monthly for a period of time based on factors such as disparity of income, the length of the marriage, the health of the parties and their future earning capacity. After the maintenance period has ended, however, it often feels like you’ve have fallen off a cliff because now you don’t have the extra money coming in every month and your skill set isn’t current for today’s job market making it very difficult to get a good paying job.
I asked the wife to not think about the amount of money for a second and tell me what her hopes and aspirations were for herself after the divorce. If she had a choice, what would she like to do?
She said “I want to be a nurse. I always did.” I asked if she had investigated how long it would take and how much it would cost to complete a nursing program. She replied it would take 3 years and cost about $90,000.
I asked her what she thought it would do for her? Her answer was:
“If I get my nursing degree I can get a good paying job and I won’t need alimony any more. My future would completely change because I could not only be self-supporting but also be on a career path that would actually take me somewhere. I could provide for my children and have what I envision is a good life.”
“Well, that sounds like a plan. Now let’s figure out if we can do this.”
They had tentatively agreed to a maintenance amount over a five year period. When we calculated the amount needed for nursing school paid out over 3 years, the amount turned out to be less than the amount of maintenance that they had tentatively agreed to. Additionally, the husband agreed to pay her a stipend while she was going to nursing school. If she wanted to work part time, that was fine, but at least this would provide her with some supplemental income.
Because this education led to a career when she completed nursing school, the husband didn’t feel as if he was just handing her money because she had been married to him. Everybody in the family benefited from this agreement. The kids now had one parent that felt really good about pursuing a dream she always had, and both parents were moving on with their lives in a positive way.
Divorce mediation encourages couples to communicate and cooperate with each other, setting the stage for good things to happen as they and their family move forward. This cooperation sets a precedent for how their parenting arrangement is going to work in the future. And that is a healthy divorce result.
Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY
Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com
Home, Sweet Home – Move Out!!
Recently, I published blogs entitled “Home Sweet Home”, parts 1 and 2, that discuss some of the problems with living together post divorce. While I am not an attorney and don’t do litigation, I have read enough evidence that leads me to believe that living together during a contentious litigated divorce can also result in damage to the children and the
divorcing spouses. After I posted those blogs, I heard about the Friedlander case, a horribly tragic incident in which the husband and wife were going though such a contentious litigated divorce and living together in the same house with the kids when suddenly the husband lost it, killing the wife and both children and then killing himself.
In an atmosphere of fighting and arguing, with or without kids being present, there is always a possibility for domestic violence. Empirical evidence shows that the point of separation is the most critical or dangerous time for spouses with a history of domestic violence to be living together. Even if there is no previous history of domestic violence, the separation/divorce event alone may be enough to trigger a violent response.
Most attorneys will advise divorcing couples to not to leave the marital home during the litigation process. There is a perception that the parent leaving the home may be disadvantaged in winning custody of the children and/or ownership of the home. In the Frielander case, the husband, an attorney and still living in the home, had just lost custody of his children by a court ruling. Which begs to question, could this tragedy have been averted had the couple separated physically during the litigation process.
In addition to custodial and ownership issues, staying in the marital home may keep up the pressure to settle. If one spouse moves out, often the other spouse is no longer as motivated to settle because the home environment is more peaceful.
What I said in the “Home, Sweet Home” blogs is that money is something that you can always earn, but your sanity is what you are jeopardizing by living together in a combative relationship while going through a litigated divorce process. And that process can sometimes take a very long time.
In mediation, the goal is to get through the divorce/separation settlement process quickly by cooperating and problem solving. This often can take as little as six weeks to complete. But for couples that are having a very difficult time and it takes longer than six weeks, we can provide a “Move Out Agreement” whereby one of my attorneys drafts an agreement determining who lives in the marital residence, how the bills will be paid and, if there are children, parenting and support issues. All of these terms are temporary while we are negotiating the settlement.
In light of the new no-fault divorce law in New York, you no longer have to accuse the other spouse of wrongdoing. As couples become more aware that mediation is a viable and more welcome alternative, fewer couples may choose to litigate their divorce. The courts are increasingly recognizing the benefits of mediation for divorcing couples. Many new matrimonial mediation programs are being offered throughout New York State by the various courts including the Supreme Court in Westchester County.
Don Sinkov
Your Divorce Mediator
Westchester County, NY
Putnam County, NY
Phone: (914) 588-6258
eMail: DonSinkov@gmail.com
Website: YourDivorceMediator.com
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